Time Has a Way of Getting in the Way (Dominance Series #1: Post #1)

Greetings from The Wild Wood. I for one am happy that it is Friday. This week has been… challenging… to say the least. As much as I don’t like wishing away time, this is one week that I am glad to have behind me. Plus, it takes me one week closer to seeing Punkin’ again. So, as far as I’m concerned, they can just keep flying by.

Speaking of time, that’s a great segue into my topic for today. I have been thinking a lot lately on what makes it difficult to be in a full-time D/s relationship, and time seems to be one of the constant obstacles. So, I thought I would explore this topic a little deeper as my first post in this new series.

Full-time v. Part-time D/s

Everybody has their own reasons for deciding to enter a D/s relationship. In fact, not all D/s relationships are sexually based. I know some submissives that are strictly domestic submissives and serve multiple Doms in day-to-day activities, such as cleaning, etc. However, for this, I am only going to focus on two types of D/s relationships: 1) Full-time, and 2) Bedroom only.

To me, a full-time D/s relationship, is on all the time. That means it isn’t limited to just the bedroom and the kink aspects of BDSM. Whereas, a bedroom only is focused primarily on just that… the bedroom. It is the need to give over control sexually and explore the sex related kink part of the relationship.

Let me just say, there’s nothing wrong with wanting one or the other as your primary D/s relationship. Let’s face it, it isn’t easy giving up control to another person on a FT basis. And, even in a FT relationship, there may be areas that are “off-limits’. That’s why it is important to have those discussions up front, and it is also important to be open to the fact that these needs could change over time.

For example, you may enter a relationship where the submissive only wants to be submissive in the bedroom. However, as the relationship continues, and she grows in her own journey, those needs could change. Or, vice versa.

Committing to a Full-time D/s Relationship

Whether you’re the Dominant, or the submissive, the decision to enter a full-time D/s relationship isn’t something that one should take lightly. It takes a lot of commitment on both sides to make it work. It also takes a lot of patience and understanding. Because, like it or not, obstacles will get in the way of the relationship. The important thing is being able to navigate through those obstacles together.

From the Dominant side of things, as a new potential Dominant, that level of commitment can be overwhelming. The most difficult thing about being the Dominant is not the act of being in control. Let’s face it, being in control can often be easy, especially when your partner is willing to be controlled and is submissive. No, the most difficult part of this level of commitment is the simple fact that the Dominant always must be “on”.

In theory, a Dominant doesn’t get vacations or a day-off. They are expected to always be in control and always be the Dominant. That said, you can understand why that level of commitment can feel like a daunting task and it is also a reason that so many try and fail. They give up, because they feel like they can’t meet, or aren’t meeting, their submissive’ s needs and expectations.

So, how do you get beyond that apprehension? For the Dom, you need to realize that you’re only human, not Superman. You also need to be willing to accept that you will make mistakes, that challenges will get in your way, and that life is messy. The important part is recognizing that this is happening and work towards righting it again.

For the submissive, same thing… your Dom is only human, he/she is not Superman. Be patient, be understanding, and yeah, sometimes your Dom needs some encouragement too. Talk to him/her, tell them what they are doing right, not just what they are doing wrong. Your submission should still be evident, even in the small things, to remind him that you are still His.

Arguably, not everyone can be a Dom or a sub. Or, the sub may not be the right fit for the Dom, just as the Dom may not be the right fit for the sub. Like any relationship, sometimes it just doesn’t work.

Some Challenges in a Full-time D/s Relationship

As I stated above, time is one of the constant obstacles of a D/s relationship. There are only so many hours in the day, and if you’re like me, those hours seem to be filled to brim with activity. If I am not at work, I have family obligations to tend to. I need to deal with doctor’s appointments, football practice, football games, running from one place to the next, yards to be mowed, cars to be fixed, bills… the list goes on and on. There are times that I just can’t do everything!

Such was the case earlier this week, I was sick, I was grumpy, and I was in general no fun to be around. Not only did that impact my work (putting me so far behind), but it also had an impact on Punkin’ too. I could tell it by the way she and I talked later that night. Again, I could sense it as soon as I started talking to her the next morning. I knew that something wasn’t right and that whatever it was needed to be addressed, immediately.

So, that’s what I did, I stepped away from everything I had to do and called her. Work could wait. Why not? It had already waited one day, it could wait a little longer. With everything that had been going on, I hadn’t given her the time needed. I slacked off a bit on my daily tasks. I wasn’t interacting the way I usually do, and when you remove something that is a constant for a submissive, it can often result in “sub drop”. Even a mild one. She had needed me, and I wasn’t there like I usually am. Not because I didn’t want to be, but because time got in my way. Life got in my way.

Another challenge to overcome is complacency. You get used to being in the same routine, doing the same things, and eventually, you begin to grow complacent. As time/life gets in the way, you get used to it, and say “oh well, I just don’t have the time today.” You take for granted that the submissive will always be your submissive. That he/she will always be there, and you don’t have to work at things. That couldn’t be further from the truth. This is a journey, communicate with one another, listen, grow and get out of the ruts.

There are other challenges that can be faced as well, but not surprisingly most can be tied back to time and complacency. On a side note, don’t even get me started on the need for vanilla even in a full-time D/s relationship, because that is a whole different topic altogether. Vanilla is not a bad word, and yeah, it is often required too.

How do you overcome these challenges/obstacles?

To begin with, you need to recognize that you are facing a challenge or an obstacle. Like with my example above about what happened this week with Punkin’, I could tell that something was off between us. You need to pay attention to the signs, because they will present themselves. It will be in the mood of your partner, perhaps the way she/he talks to you, or even doesn’t talk to you. Also, be aware of the non-verbal cues too.

Once you recognize the challenge, you need to address those challenges. Just like I stepped away and immediately called Punkin’, by doing that, I was addressing the challenge/need. This may include, but is not limited to, verbally recognizing that you slipped up, or that time got in the way. Take this opportunity to talk with your submissive about it, let him/her know you are aware of it and that it is impacting you too.

Then, put a plan in place to correct whatever it is. With Punkin’, I realized that I had let things like my daily task slip, and we realized together, that there were some additional things that needed to be added/revisited. Such as nightly emails recapping the day, so she could share what was on her mind that she was unable to talk about during the day. Sounds simple enough, right?

In other words, discuss to get over, or around, the obstacle in front of you. Does it mean revisiting expectations? Does it mean you need to pay more attention to tasks? Has it been a long time between “play sessions”? If so, make it happen. Find a babysitter (if you have kids), take time away from other activities to spend with your submissive. And, for the love of God, if you say you’re going to do something… do it!!!

Communication and follow-through are two key, essential things to anything you do. You need to be as good as your word, otherwise, your word means nothing. In the end, if they can’t trust your word, why should they trust you at all?

Take care,

Cernnunos

Who is Cernnunos?

Greetings from The Wild Wood.  Today is one of those rare occasions where I have chosen to actually work from home instead of making the drive into the office.  As much as I enjoy working from home, there is just something to be said about the routine of going into the office.  Going into the office often allows me to mentally separate my work life and my home life to achieve a sense of balance.  But, I’ll admit, there are days that I enjoy working from home and not having to get all dressed up for a day in the office.  Or, like today, I need to get some needed work done around the house and can do it between meetings.

Recently, I shared some thoughts on people creating illusions in my post “Smoke and Mirrors“. This was not inspired by one singular event, or discussion, but instead came from personal observations leading up to me sharing those thoughts. Like a kite caught in a windstorm, those thoughts were swirling around in my head. I didn’t know how I wanted to approach the topic, all I knew is that I felt led to share those thoughts. Besides that post, the rest of what I have shared this week has been written “off-the-cuff”, and while I am sure I will continue with some of those types of thoughts, it really isn’t how I wanted to approach this blog.

That said, I am going to start working through a few different series of posts talking about my viewpoints on the D/s lifestyle from the Dominant’s point of view.  For the first series of posts, I want to discuss some topics relating to the various Dominant styles, knowing/discovering your own Dominant style, the commitment it takes to be a Dominant, communication, rules, aftercare and other topics along the same line. For now, though, I thought I would take a moment to discuss a little more about myself and my history.

Who Is Cernnunos?

I am a 45-year old male, a husband, a father, and a grandfather. I work in Corporate America, but I am also a writer, poet and a philosopher. I am a Southern gentleman, that is just as comfortable on a farm as I am working indoors.

In regards to the D/s lifestyle, I have been in the BDSM lifestyle for well over 10 years now. Even when I was younger (in my twenties), I was always drawn to the power-exchange, and other kinks, of the BDSM lifestyle.  But, I never fully understood the entire concept until around 15 years ago. However, even then (due to a lack of knowledge), I was hesitant to embrace the lifestyle completely.  It took a lot of time and introspection for me to come to terms with several things, key among them:

1) my own desires and needs, and
2) how the lifestyle worked cohesively with my overall personality.

What is my Dominant “label”?

I tried to avoid labeling myself for many years and simply saw myself as a Dominant man that preferred a submissive woman.  Some of that was due to a lack of understanding, and some of it was due to the stigma associated with the certain type of submissive I found myself attracted to.  It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I fully embraced the fact that I was drawn to “littles” and I was able to look beyond how society perceives the incestuous undertones of being a “Daddy”.  When that happened, I was fully able to embrace who I was a both a Dominant and I could also understand my Dominant style more.

While Punkin’ is not my first submissive, she will be the last, and I am her “Daddy” from a DD/lg relationship perspective. Therefore, if I had to choose a label (identity), it would be the “Daddy Dom” in a DD/lg relationship.  However, at the same time, I am not drawn to the “age-play” aspect of “littles” in a sexual sense. It just isn’t one of my kinks. Instead, I prefer that facet to be a more “wholesome” experience.

All that said, I still feel there is much more to D/s than just that one label can encompass.  I think that most people in the lifestyle are mix of several different labels.  It is just that one label tends to shine through more than others at times.

What is my style of Dominance?

When it comes to Dominant styles… again, I see that there are overlapping features across each of the various styles and all of which fall under the “Dominant/submissive” style as sub-categories.  Personally, though, I lean more towards the Dominant styles of “Taken in Hand” and “Domestic Discipline”. 

However, I also see myself also leaning towards the “Master/slave” style as well.  I believe that parts of the M/s lifestyle can mesh well with the “Taken in Hand” style.  There is an ownership implied in both, and a level of control and obedience that overlaps in many ways.  This can be in ways like: choosing how the submissive dresses, ordering her food, having a say in who she can interact with and knowing where she is at all times, among other things (that I will cover later). 

I think it is important to note, for me, that level of control comes from a place of love, not because I view my submissive as simply my property.  I have always taken the standpoint that (while I may choose her as my submissive) her submission, trust and obedience is earned, it is not a right.  Therefore, while I may “own” her, that ownership can be taken away at her discretion.  So, everything must be done out of love.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for today. I look forward to coming back and sharing more with you later.

Take care,

Cernnunos

Nightmares and Dreamscapes

Greetings from The Wild Wood. Happy Hump Day, and welcome to Wednesday, that glorious mid-point to the regular work week. Today finds me feeling much better than I did yesterday. Unfortunately, yesterday, I had managed to come down with a bug of some kind that left me incapacitated with high fevers and nausea. By yesterday evening, I thought that I had broken my fever and I was able to stomach more than water and crackers.

Apparently, I was wrong:

At approximately 1:15 this morning I woke up with a start. My heart was racing, and my mind was in a fog, caught in that netherworld between waking and sleep. Despite the fact that I sleep near nude, and with no covers at all, there was cold sweat pouring from every pore of my body. I knew this was partly due to another fever, but mostly due to the visions that had plagued my dreams. I say “visions” but they are more like nightmares, bad dreams stemming from my PTSD… a mix of memories and fabrications my mind conjures up.

They hadn’t been this bad in a long time. The last time I remember waking up with such a cold sweat was last October. But, back then, I was going through a lot personally and it could be explained. This time, the only thing I can say is that they were likely brought on by the fevers I had throughout the day and night. Regardless, it left me discombobulated and shaking.

Immediately, my thoughts went back to that first night with Punkin’ in California. I clearly remember her reaching out in the night, touching my back, and how later the next day she asked me, “do you know that you flinch in your sleep?”

I sat there on the edge of the bed, wondering, “what would she think if she could see me now?” That passed quickly though. Because, deep down, I know she wouldn’t have thought any less of me for it, and would be tell me that everything would be fine. Then, she’d probably offer to get me a glass of water and wipe my brow with a towel.

So, I managed to find my feet and make my way to the kitchen to get that glass of water. I guess all the movement must have woken up my son, because the next thing I knew, he was standing in the kitchen with me.

“You ok, Daddy?” he asked, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“Yeah, bubba,” I assured him. “Daddy’s fine, I must have had a fever or something.”

“No, you had bad dreams,” he went on, my ever blunt and perceptive middle-schooler. “I could hear you tossing and turning. Wanna talk about it?”

“Nope,” I responded, placing my hand on his shoulder. “It was nothing for you to worry about.”

“You know what has always helped when I have bad dreams?” he asked, as we walked back to the bedrooms, and continued on without taking a breath, “when you tell me stories. How about a story?”

“Who’s telling the story? Me or you?” I asked, already knowing the answer before he gave it.

“You, of course.”

“Then, come on, climb up here in the bed and I’ll tell you a story,” I said, patting his bunk bed.

He was asleep before the story was half-through, likely slipping off into the dreamscape I painted in his mind. I wish I had that same luxury, that innocence of youth, where you can just write off bad dreams and go back to sleep. Instead, I just sat on the edge of the bed and lost myself in my thoughts, until finally sleep overtook me once more.

So, yeah, I’m thankful it’s a new day.

Take care,

Cernnunos

That Time My Body Staged a Revolt

Greetings from The Wild Wood. I hope this Monday finds everyone’s work week off to a great start. My Monday’s usually start off the same every week, with me coming into the office (or working from home) trying to get through over 100 emails that came in over the weekend. Today was no different. While I know I could minimize that impact just by checking my work email throughout the weekend, I simply refuse to do that. If it is something urgent, I know they will either text or call, otherwise it can just wait.

Honestly, that line of thinking (work can just wait) was a tough adjustment for me to make. After all, we have already established that I have a Type-A personality with control issues. Because of that, I made myself available 24×7 for the larger part of 27+ years of my career. This became even worse with the invention of the smart phone. While technology can be a beautiful thing, it didn’t take long for me to become connected to it all the time, responding to work emails regardless of the time of day or night, whether it was the weekday, weekend and even while on vacation.

It goes without saying that my habit of always being connected like that, night and day, wasn’t a healthy practice or lifestyle. Deep down inside I knew that was true. I knew it wasn’t healthy, and I knew that it would all catch up to me at some point. Still, regardless of knowing that, there was nothing you could have said that would change my ways. At least, there was nothing you could have said to me until 5 years ago.

Five years ago, my body gave me a serious wake-up call. It was once of those moments where it was determined to have a “coming to Jesus talk” with me, and it did. I was physically exhausted and mentally drained all the time. I carried my work home with me, letting interfere with time with my family. I was snappy with the boys, always biting their heads off at the drop of a pin. I was at my wits end, and my body staged a revolution of its own.

Believe me when I say, to fight this war, my body pulled out all the weapons in its arsenal. It fought back with fatigue and dizziness. It left me debilitated, weak and unable to move. My heart rate skyrocketed so high I was certain my heart was going to explode. It was telling me “enough is enough” and I was going to listen even if I didn’t want to. All of this, of course, resulted in me being poked and prodded by doctors on a seemingly endless basis.

“The amount of stress you’ve put your body under is killing you,” my doctor finally told me, one fateful spring day in 2014. I can remember him laying into me, telling it to me straight and pulling no punches. Truthfully, his bedside manner sucked for most people, but he knew how to talk to me. He didn’t sugar coat things and make nice. He was brutal, he was honest, and I respected that. My pituitary gland had staged a revolt. It had quit on me. It was done, because I was more concerned with how things looked on the outside and less concerned with how things were running on the inside.

Applying Self-Control

Now, as you are aware, I try to approach most things on here from the dominant perspective of a D/s dynamic. So, how does this life experience translate into lesson learned for the D/s dynamic? It’s a simple answer…

This is a lesson on control, specifically self-control, because control plays one of the largest parts of the role the dominant plays in the D/s relationship. After all, the submissive is surrendering her/his control to their dominant.

However, that said, it is important to note that a dominant’s control isn’t limited to just his/her submissive. In fact, your dominance should be rooted in your own ability to exercise self-control. A Dom/Domme that doesn’t first exercise self-control and lacks the ability to make necessary changes in his/her attitude or life, has no business trying to exercise control over another.

So, yeah, that day in the doctor’s office I could have chosen from several different paths. For example, I could have ignored him and my body, by pressing on as normal. Or, I could have just thrown my hands up and resigned myself to my fate. But, neither of those choices would have been exercising self-control and self-awareness. Because, you can’t be dominant if you can’t control yourself first, and you can’t meet/see your submissive’s needs, if you aren’t aware of your own first.

Instead, I came to the realization, I couldn’t control what had happened, but I could control how I chose to react to it. Once I realized that, I knew I would be fine, because it gave me a place to focus my energy. It allowed me to make the necessary changes in my life, such as choosing to simply “let work wait”. By exercising self-control and self-awareness, I was able to be a healthier, happier me.

You can’t have control of another, even if they are willing to give you that control, if you are unable to control yourself first.

Take care,

Cernnunos

Smoke and Mirrors

Greetings from The Wild Wood. I hope everyone is having a great Sunday and relaxing before the next work week begins. This weekend has been unusually relaxing for me. For the first time in forever, I decided to do nothing more than watch movies and play games yesterday. At least until my son’s Saturday night football game, but even that was relaxing in its own way.

Today, I had the opportunity to hear a story that fit well with other thoughts that were floating around in my head:

“In town there happened to be a car wash that everyone used. It was a huge, beautiful, shiny new place with all the bells and whistles. There was a man that frequented the car wash every weekend. Not a weekend went by that you wouldn’t find him there.

This man would spend hours cleaning everything, and putting as much elbow grease into it as possible until every inch was spotless. The car shined. The rims gleamed in the sunlight. The dash was spotless and had copious amounts of Armor All on it. Even the cup holders were clean!

All-in-all, the car looked beautiful, but it ran horribly. The car squealed and squeaked when starting, and it burned a quart of oil every other day. He was so worried about what it looked like on the outside, but he never took care of what was on the inside.”

This brings me to the topic of today’s post: smoke and mirrors.

Putting on Blinders

Race horses are often outfitted with blinders when running a race. This is done in order to keep them from getting distracted by another horse coming along its flank. It allows the jockey more control and it also allows the horse to focus strictly on what is ahead of them. However, when people put on blinders, it can often have more of a negative effect than a positive one.

In the story above, the man was more concerned with how things looked and chose to ignore how things were actually running. I believe that people often put on blinders in order to ignore problems that might be occurring. We do this because we either want to believe everything is going perfectly, or we don’t want to admit to ourselves that we’re doing something wrong. This can be detrimental in any relationship dynamic, but more so in a D/s dynamic.

Either side of the dynamic can fall prey to the idea of putting on blinders. However, for a Dom, those blinders can really impact the level of trust between him/her and their submissive. For example, the dominant’s responsibility is be able to read the needs of his/her submissive. By putting on blinders, a dominant is fooling themselves into believing they are meeting those needs, when in fact they aren’t. This could lead to a loss of trust in the dynamic, feelings of neglect, and could eventually result in a complete deterioration of that dynamic.

Why the smoke and mirrors?

People, men especially, can be prideful and our pride often causes us to get in our own way. Because of that pride, we want to exude a certain perception that may, or may not, be true. Why? Because we are either more concerned with how people perceive us, we want to fool others into seeing us in a certain light, or even worse (in my opinion) we want to fool ourselves into believing we are something we aren’t.

Smoke and mirrors is nothing more than creating an illusion. An illusion that can be very dangerous in the D/s world. When a “Dom” is wanting to fool others by painting themselves to be experienced, even though they aren’t, it can potentially result in bodily harm and/or deep emotional scarring. We all know the type, they put on airs, perhaps in a blog or over chat. They know just enough to say the right thing, but when you dig deeper, they really don’t know what they’re doing or they lead a person down the wrong path. Or, worst case, they try to partake in impact play and leads to injuries.

Those that create this illusion in order to fool themselves though… to me that is the most dangerous. It is like the example of the car above, instead of fixing what is broken, they are trying to create a shiny package, that doesn’t run right. When you apply that logic to a potential D/s relationship, those smoke and mirrors are nothing but blinders put in place. They are refusing to see what is broken, and instead choose to try to convince themselves that they’re something their not. That can lead to disillusionment and disintegration of the relationship, which in the end does more harm than good

In short, forget the smoke and mirrors. Take your time to learn your own needs and recognize what might be broken, or needs to be developed/explored more. By taking your time to learn yourself first, you may find your own needs/desires/kinks don’t even fall in the realm of D/s. Then, fix what is broken, get the machine running smoothly and focus on everything else.

(Forgive the typos and somewhat scattered thoughts tonight, I’m writing this on my phone and not doing much editing.)

Take care,

Cernnunos

Spread Your Legs For Me…

Greetings from The Wild Wood. Recently I was reading through blog posts and came across a post on “Dark Whispers” that discussed verbalizing needs and being more verbal during sex. This prompted me to give my own thoughts in the comment section, and since then, it has been floating around in the back of my mind.

Sometimes, whether a man or woman, verbalizing what you want sexually can be difficult. Often it boils down to the fact that you are afraid of sounding critical, or perhaps judgmental. But, when things are left unsaid, it can build up inside until it bursts and then feelings really do get hurt. Again, this goes back to my typical mantra of communication being essential. It is the only way you’re going to learn, and if you are actively communicating, then it shouldn’t be difficult to have those needed discussions.

Right now, I want to focus on being more verbal during sex…

Why should the dominant be more verbal?

As a dominant, we are expected to be in control and more verbal, after all, that is a part of the whole power exchange dynamic. The act of being in control isn’t just limited to bondage play either, although that kind of control is fun for different reasons. The purpose of being more verbal and more in control is (among other things):

for the dominant to be well-versed in their submissive partners needs and to learn their body,

for the submissive to be able to fully surrender to the dominant and trust that he/she has their best interests in mind,

for the submissive to not be worried about having to be in control, (especially if they are in control of so many other things in their life.)

In short, as a submissive, they crave the lack of control and the dominant should crave being in control.

For example, among other things said and done… I recently smacked Punkin’s inner thighs and told her, “Spread your legs and show me your pussy.” And, I directed her in other ways, such as, “flip over onto your tummy” so I could have access to her ass during impact play. In addition to those, I “talked dirty” to her, asking questions, such as “are you my cumslut?”, or “are you hungry for Daddy’s cock?” as well as other similar names/questions.

This was just a few examples of exerting control. I didn’t ask for control, I just read her body and acted. I told her what I wanted her to do. I “talked dirty” and used both verbal and non-verbal communication to direct her and guide her.

Why can it be difficult to be verbal during sex?

All the above sounds normal for those that practice the D/s dynamic. Like I said earlier, dominants are expected to be more verbal during sex. At the same time, it can often be a difficult hurdle to jump in the beginning. This is especially true when you’re new to the lifestyle. Why? Unless it comes naturally to you, being verbal during sex and directing someone is often a learned trait.

As gentlemen we are taught that you shouldn’t refer to a woman with less than appropriate names. Referring to a woman as a cumslut, whore, or anything similar, is not only unacceptable… it is often met with a resounding slap (and in most cases, rightfully so too). That said, the man might often be more than a little hesitant in expressing himself verbally that way. Likewise, the same can be said for giving directions, such as the aforementioned “spread your legs and show me your pussy/cunt.” We aren’t taught to do that! We need to learn that it is ok and be comfortable being more verbal.

Also, please keep in mind, when referring to a woman with a degrading name such as “cumslut” (because this can be degrading/humiliating) it shouldn’t be done just to be mean. In fact, if you’re new to a relationship, it should be discussed in the beginning as to what is/is not acceptable. After all, submission isn’t a one-size fits all thing. Not all women want to be referred to in that way.

How do you learn to be more verbal during sex?

Since I have established that being verbal is often a learned trait, how should a dominant learn this trait? The only way anyone learns something, trial and error. When I started out, I wasn’t always as verbal as I am now. I know, hard to believe, right? But, it’s true.

In fact, I lost my virginity to a girl four-years older than me, that was clearly of a dominant mindset. So much so, that she brazenly told my father what she was going to do, when she said, “I’m going to drizzle him in chocolate and eat him up.” I’ll be damned if she didn’t do it too! It was a hell of a way for a teen to lose his virginity to. Hmmm, no wonder I’ve always been a kinkier than most. But, that’s beside the point.

The point is, I wasn’t always as verbal, or as comfortable using “pet names” as I am now. It took time and practice. It even took some women verbalizing what they wanted to hear to get me to that point. Yep, you read that right, verbalizing during sex is a two-way street.

If you want your man, dominant or not, to be more vocal during sex… tell him! Especially if you’re venturing in to the D/s dynamic for the first time. It is a journey, walk it together and grow together. Hell, I’ll take this one step further and say, “tell him exactly what you want to hear”. Let him hear those words fall from your lips when your breathy and full of need. Trust me, that very act can be quite arousing in and of itself. It can awaken a carnal need you never knew was there before.

After hearing you say it, let him say it out loud. Let him hear how it sounds when it falls from his lips. Let him see how you respond. After the first time, practice it some more, practice giving directions, commands and “talking dirty”. Even the most introverted can break out of their shell with enough practice.

Take care,

Cernnunos

One Week Later

Greetings from The Wild Wood. This morning finds me reflecting on the past week. It is hard to believe that just a week ago Punkin’ and I were nearing the end of our vacation together. She had asked me how I would cope with saying goodbye, and I touched on that briefly in my post “Coping”. Now that it has been a full-week, I wanted to revisit this and focus on how it feels a week later.

I’ll be honest, it was a struggle to allow her to leave last Friday. In fact, I told her recently, I had to exercise quite a bit of self-control that day. I wanted to stop her and bring her back to the room. At the same time, I knew I wouldn’t want to let her go if I did. I knew it would be that much harder to say good-bye, and that wouldn’t have been good for either of us. So, once again, I’m thankful for the ability to exercise self-control.

That night was sad and emotional, but it really didn’t hit me until the next day. I had grown so used to seeing her after work, to spending time with her, having deep conversations, sharing, learning and yes, experiencing her submission. I had grown so used to all of that, it didn’t hit me until I realized I wouldn’t be seeing her that day. That’s when I really had to cope with everything.

So, how has it gone? Has anything changed? How hard has it been? Those are thoughts and questions that have been going through my mind since last night. If I said that it was easy, I would be a liar. Of course it isn’t easy! You don’t develop such a deep bond without it being hard to be away. But, over time, it got easier as we fell back into our normal routines and rhythm of life.

Structure and Routine

One of the key things to any relationship, especially a long-distance relationship, is having a set routine and structure. This is especially important in a D/s relationship. The distance can make it easier to backslide, largely because you’re not sitting there in front of the person. It is also easier to lose yourself in your thoughts, and for more emotionally sensitive submissives, they can lose themselves in the grief of the separation. That said, it was imperative to get back into the routine as quickly as possible.

I messaged Punkin’ on Sunday, just a simple message that said, “Remember the rules, Punkin’.” We had established rules for her a few weeks back, and the rules are broken down into categories: All-the-time rules, Daily Rules/Tasks, and Weekly Rules/Tasks. By reminding her of these rules, it was a way to re-establish our routine and structure.

While there are rules in place, I am also acutely aware of her needs. Such as greeting her every morning and telling her goodnight before bed. Ensuring that there are regular phone calls throughout the week and constant interaction. If she needs me, she knows she can get a hold of me and I will be there. By re-establishing the daily structure and routine, it allows both of us to move forward, together.

Feelings and Decompressing

Obviously, coming off an intense and emotional week, brings about a lot of feelings. It is important to share those feelings. As a dominant, you should be open to listening to the feelings that your submissive is experiencing. You should ask her/him how they are doing, what they are thinking, and deep dive into the questions. They need to know, and feel, that their feelings are important to you and nothing is too trivial to be shared.

At the same time, as the dominant, you need to be honest with your feelings and struggles as well. I touched on this briefly in my recent post “Repairing the Cracks.” Obviously, I was dealing with feelings and emotions, just like Punkin’ was. Regardless of whether your relationship is vanilla or D/s, open communication about those feelings is key. Keeping them bottled up inside, will only make things worse.

I know that I probably sound like a broken record, but… Communicate, communicate, communicate! Punkin’ and I have spent a lot of post-vacation time decompressing and sharing our feelings. We didn’t make that our primary focus, and it didn’t consume every second of our thoughts, but, we did make time for that when the need arose.

Plans, Tasks and our Dynamic

In long distance relationships one of the best ways to keep your mind off missing someone is to focus on the next time you will see one another. Discuss and determine, the next time you are going to see one another. If your submissive/partner is a planner, let them do what they do, plan and talk it out. It will help them to cope with the distance. For example, right now, the next time Punkin’ and I will see one another will be around Christmas. It’ll be sooner, if I need to travel back West for work, but if not, most definitely around Christmas. Now, we have a basic plan in place, and something to look forward to.

Our dynamic was most definitely changed by our week spent together. It is stronger. Our bond is stronger. Our D/s relationship is stronger. Our love is stronger. It would be easy to walk away from that feeling like you have achieved the pinnacle, won the prize (so to speak). But, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Just because everything has grown stronger, doesn’t mean we’re allowed to get complacent in our relationship. The role of the dominant is to continue to build on that dynamic, not take it for granted. It needs to be strengthened even more and layered like a brick foundation, each day building upon the other.

I’ll admit, this can be hard to do. It is easy to fall back into the routine you established (see above) and do nothing else. It is easy to fall back into status quo and allow day-to-day life to get in the way. So, on top of everything else, the structure, routine, communication and planning, another thing needs to be added/re-established… tasks.

I plan on writing a separate post regarding my views on tasks, but for now, I will just say that I don’t give tasks lightly. I don’t believe in busy work, just to keep Punkin’ busy. Believe me, she is busy enough as it is on her own! I also don’t believe in just giving tasks for the sake of giving tasks. Instead, the tasks need to be in place to help your submissive grow in a certain area, or to help them meet a need. Sexual or not.

So, to that end, I started assigning tasks again to Punkin’. I read her needs, even trying to pre-emptively meet those needs when I saw something she hadn’t seen yet and incorporate them into tasks. Doing this only serves to strengthen our relationship and bond even more.

In conclusion…

Has it been an easy week? Nope. Punkin’ and I had a fight just yesterday over a miscommunication and misunderstanding. Regardless of your relationship dynamic, there are a different set of challenges to face when it is long-distance. Not being able to see one another, and having horrible reception, only adds to the problem. But, regardless of those challenges (and maybe in some way because of those challenges), you can grow stronger by keeping your priorities straight and focusing on one another’s needs.

Take care,

Cennunos

Choices and Priorities

Greetings from the Wild Wood. I started trying to write something yesterday, but it just wasn’t going to happen. My schedule can often be hectic at best, and down right crazy at other times. Such is the nature of my chosen career, to be on call 24×7 and managing people across half of the US. Still, even on the craziest of days, I can usually find a little quiet time. When that comes around, I find myself facing a choice: do I spend my free time talking with Punkin’, or do I spend it writing? More often, than not, I choose to spend my time with her and place everything else on the backburner.

However, I have also told myself that I am going to make this a priority as well and that means I need to find a balance to make it work. That begs the question: Why is it a priority for me?

In the beginning I questioned that myself. The creation of this blog was initially a spontaneous decision made one evening when I was talking with Punkin’. She had asked if I were willing to be interviewed about dominance and how it related to parenthood for me. I had read her previous interviews, then made the decision on the spot and told her about it. Of course, she was 100% on board with the idea, but… I still wasn’t certain on where I was going with this. I didn’t know how it would be received and what kind of approach I was looking to use.

I had always been in awe of bloggers that can be so open and share parts of their personal lives for others to read and learn from. In fact, that awe, is what drew me to Punkin’ in the first place. It was her ability to talk about the lifestyle, and share herself so openly, while keeping it tastefully written at the same time. She was in that category with other bloggers I have followed for years, and just like I was occasionally inspired by their words, I found Punkin’ to be inspirational to both my writing and my life. I’ll be honest, that is hard to do too.

Still uncertain of what I was looking to achieve, I used this blog primarily to chronical my work vacation in California with Punkin’. It was sharing those thoughts that I was able to discover my purpose and intent for writing on here. How? After each of those posts, Punkin’ would talk to me about them. She shared her thoughts about how she felt reading things from my perspective, and primarily from a dominant perspective. Her dominant’s perspective.

I’ve always referred to the lifestyle as a journey, because that is exactly what it is. Being a dominant is not something that you become just by calling yourself one. True, some people are naturally more dominant in nature than others. While there are definite similarities between the two, there is a huge difference between being a dominant personality and being a Dom in the lifestyle. It takes time, it takes learning, it takes mistakes and learning from those mistakes.

There are so many misconceptions out there. There are so many subs falling prey to people that call themselves “Doms”, yet have no concept of what it actually means to be dominant. Likewise, there are dominants new to the lifestyle that could probably learn from my journey, the ups, downs, mistakes and successes. So, yeah, it has become a priority for me now to share my thoughts on life, regarding both kink and normal everyday thoughts (vanilla if you must).

To that end, I have begun a small outline of things to write about in the future. Some topics come from interactions here on the blog, some from reading other people’s blogs, some are generated from discussions with Punkin’, and some just come into my head. I look forward to seeing where this goes.

Take care,

Cernnunos

Repairing the Cracks

Greetings from the Wild Wood. My mind is all over the place this morning, partly due to a lack of sleep last night and partly due to an unusually hectic morning work schedule. It is one of those days where my thoughts seem to be lingering, milling around, on the tip of my tongue. I can sense that they are wanting to leap off in a graceful (or perhaps frantic) high dive onto the page, but at the same time, seemingly fearful of the drop. So, instead of taking the leap, they are loitering and wreaking havoc on my senses.

I guess that means I am just going to have to push one of those loitering thoughts over the edge myself…

I talk a lot on here about communication being key to any relationship. There’s a lot to be said for communicating and sharing your feelings. It took me a long time to understand the need to open-up emotionally, sharing my thoughts, fears and doubts. I used to keep them bottled up inside and try to figure out a way to work on them on my own. However, over time (and with age) I have learned it is ok for a man (even a dominant one) to share his feelings.

Despite what people may think, the act of sharing feelings is not a sign of weakness. In fact, not sharing your feelings can be both physically and mentally unhealthy. It adds on a layer of stress that we weren’t meant to handle alone. We weren’t meant to shoulder the burdens alone. I’ll take this one step further and say, we were never created to be alone at all.

I’m what you might call an oxymoron in the community. One would think that because I am both dominant and into various kinks, that I am liberal. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I am highly conservative in most of my beliefs, my ways of thinking, acting, and interacting. To that end, I believe (not pointing to any specific belief system) we were all intelligently designed by a creator God.

As a part of this intelligent design, we were created to seek out a mate. Our lives, our dating, our courting, our friendships… they are all a part of the natural design to seek out another. Why? Because, we were designed to share our life with another person. This includes the happiness, joys, disappointments and burdens that life throws at us.

All that said, why not share your emotional needs as well as your physical needs? What makes it appear to be a sign of weakness if a man shares his feelings? Relationships, whatever they may be, should be built on a solid foundation that is rooted in communication. Sometimes, you need to fix cracks that appear in the foundation by sharing your emotions and feelings.

These were just some rambling thoughts that needed to get out this morning. I hope they made at least a little sense.

Take care,

Cernnunos

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