Greetings from The Wild Wood. I for one am happy that it is Friday. This week has been… challenging… to say the least. As much as I don’t like wishing away time, this is one week that I am glad to have behind me. Plus, it takes me one week closer to seeing Punkin’ again. So, as far as I’m concerned, they can just keep flying by.
Speaking of time, that’s a great segue into my topic for today. I have been thinking a lot lately on what makes it difficult to be in a full-time D/s relationship, and time seems to be one of the constant obstacles. So, I thought I would explore this topic a little deeper as my first post in this new series.
Full-time v. Part-time D/s
Everybody has their own reasons for deciding to enter a D/s relationship. In fact, not all D/s relationships are sexually based. I know some submissives that are strictly domestic submissives and serve multiple Doms in day-to-day activities, such as cleaning, etc. However, for this, I am only going to focus on two types of D/s relationships: 1) Full-time, and 2) Bedroom only.
To me, a full-time D/s relationship, is on all the time. That means it isn’t limited to just the bedroom and the kink aspects of BDSM. Whereas, a bedroom only is focused primarily on just that… the bedroom. It is the need to give over control sexually and explore the sex related kink part of the relationship.
Let me just say, there’s nothing wrong with wanting one or the other as your primary D/s relationship. Let’s face it, it isn’t easy giving up control to another person on a FT basis. And, even in a FT relationship, there may be areas that are “off-limits’. That’s why it is important to have those discussions up front, and it is also important to be open to the fact that these needs could change over time.
For example, you may enter a relationship where the submissive only wants to be submissive in the bedroom. However, as the relationship continues, and she grows in her own journey, those needs could change. Or, vice versa.
Committing to a Full-time D/s Relationship
Whether you’re the Dominant, or the submissive, the decision to enter a full-time D/s relationship isn’t something that one should take lightly. It takes a lot of commitment on both sides to make it work. It also takes a lot of patience and understanding. Because, like it or not, obstacles will get in the way of the relationship. The important thing is being able to navigate through those obstacles together.
From the Dominant side of things, as a new potential Dominant, that level of commitment can be overwhelming. The most difficult thing about being the Dominant is not the act of being in control. Let’s face it, being in control can often be easy, especially when your partner is willing to be controlled and is submissive. No, the most difficult part of this level of commitment is the simple fact that the Dominant always must be “on”.
In theory, a Dominant doesn’t get vacations or a day-off. They are expected to always be in control and always be the Dominant. That said, you can understand why that level of commitment can feel like a daunting task and it is also a reason that so many try and fail. They give up, because they feel like they can’t meet, or aren’t meeting, their submissive’ s needs and expectations.
So, how do you get beyond that apprehension? For the Dom, you need to realize that you’re only human, not Superman. You also need to be willing to accept that you will make mistakes, that challenges will get in your way, and that life is messy. The important part is recognizing that this is happening and work towards righting it again.
For the submissive, same thing… your Dom is only human, he/she is not Superman. Be patient, be understanding, and yeah, sometimes your Dom needs some encouragement too. Talk to him/her, tell them what they are doing right, not just what they are doing wrong. Your submission should still be evident, even in the small things, to remind him that you are still His.
Arguably, not everyone can be a Dom or a sub. Or, the sub may not be the right fit for the Dom, just as the Dom may not be the right fit for the sub. Like any relationship, sometimes it just doesn’t work.
Some Challenges in a Full-time D/s Relationship
As I stated above, time is one of the constant obstacles of a D/s relationship. There are only so many hours in the day, and if you’re like me, those hours seem to be filled to brim with activity. If I am not at work, I have family obligations to tend to. I need to deal with doctor’s appointments, football practice, football games, running from one place to the next, yards to be mowed, cars to be fixed, bills… the list goes on and on. There are times that I just can’t do everything!
Such was the case earlier this week, I was sick, I was grumpy, and I was in general no fun to be around. Not only did that impact my work (putting me so far behind), but it also had an impact on Punkin’ too. I could tell it by the way she and I talked later that night. Again, I could sense it as soon as I started talking to her the next morning. I knew that something wasn’t right and that whatever it was needed to be addressed, immediately.
So, that’s what I did, I stepped away from everything I had to do and called her. Work could wait. Why not? It had already waited one day, it could wait a little longer. With everything that had been going on, I hadn’t given her the time needed. I slacked off a bit on my daily tasks. I wasn’t interacting the way I usually do, and when you remove something that is a constant for a submissive, it can often result in “sub drop”. Even a mild one. She had needed me, and I wasn’t there like I usually am. Not because I didn’t want to be, but because time got in my way. Life got in my way.
Another challenge to overcome is complacency. You get used to being in the same routine, doing the same things, and eventually, you begin to grow complacent. As time/life gets in the way, you get used to it, and say “oh well, I just don’t have the time today.” You take for granted that the submissive will always be your submissive. That he/she will always be there, and you don’t have to work at things. That couldn’t be further from the truth. This is a journey, communicate with one another, listen, grow and get out of the ruts.
There are other challenges that can be faced as well, but not surprisingly most can be tied back to time and complacency. On a side note, don’t even get me started on the need for vanilla even in a full-time D/s relationship, because that is a whole different topic altogether. Vanilla is not a bad word, and yeah, it is often required too.
How do you overcome these challenges/obstacles?
To begin with, you need to recognize that you are facing a challenge or an obstacle. Like with my example above about what happened this week with Punkin’, I could tell that something was off between us. You need to pay attention to the signs, because they will present themselves. It will be in the mood of your partner, perhaps the way she/he talks to you, or even doesn’t talk to you. Also, be aware of the non-verbal cues too.
Once you recognize the challenge, you need to address those challenges. Just like I stepped away and immediately called Punkin’, by doing that, I was addressing the challenge/need. This may include, but is not limited to, verbally recognizing that you slipped up, or that time got in the way. Take this opportunity to talk with your submissive about it, let him/her know you are aware of it and that it is impacting you too.
Then, put a plan in place to correct whatever it is. With Punkin’, I realized that I had let things like my daily task slip, and we realized together, that there were some additional things that needed to be added/revisited. Such as nightly emails recapping the day, so she could share what was on her mind that she was unable to talk about during the day. Sounds simple enough, right?
In other words, discuss to get over, or around, the obstacle in front of you. Does it mean revisiting expectations? Does it mean you need to pay more attention to tasks? Has it been a long time between “play sessions”? If so, make it happen. Find a babysitter (if you have kids), take time away from other activities to spend with your submissive. And, for the love of God, if you say you’re going to do something… do it!!!
Communication and follow-through are two key, essential things to anything you do. You need to be as good as your word, otherwise, your word means nothing. In the end, if they can’t trust your word, why should they trust you at all?